Loving at the Wrong Places

Click here to read full article as published in NST, Oct 15, 2010

We all love our children. We would walk the extra mile for them. We would do almost anything out of love for them. But in our eagerness to provide the best, have stopped once in a while to assess if we have not “misplaced” the love? It may sound strange but it can happen. Just like our hand phones, wallets or keys, love can also be misplaced despite our best efforts to safeguard them.

While there are many ways we can misplace the hand phones, wallets or keys, how does one misplace love? Here are some common examples when parents are putting love at the wrong places.

Not asking them to carry out their religious duties

Imagine a cold Sunday morning when some Muslims are already up for their morning prayers. There is a distant sound of azan, waking up the neighbourhood to perform their religious duties. You are the first one to wake up in the house and sneaked into your kids’ rooms to see if they are awake. What you find is quite the opposite – small little faces who are in deep sleep with a hint of a smile, presumably in the midst of a wonderful dream.

You paused for a moment and think, “Should I wake them up or let them sleep a little longer? It’s a weekend after all and they have been waking up early all week long.”

This is the critical point. If you let them sleep a little longer, you would have given them some luxury of time at the expense of their religious obligations. If you woke them up, you’d feel bad to disturb such a wonderful sleep on the equally wonderful morning even though they would then have enough time to get ready and perform the Morning Prayer.

Parents who chose the former would have misplaced the love. Performing a religious duty is a commitment we have made to ourselves and to God. It requires a bit of sacrifices, which includes giving up a little bit of sleep in a cold morning. The benefits outweigh the tough actions we took – our kids will be trained from young that performing religious duties are the most important task and they should perform them in due time regardless of the situations.

Allowing too much televisions and computer games

This is another example of misplaced love. Many parents have lost the battle over the control of the televisions. They have surrendered and permanently handed the remote control to their kids such that they can now watch all the shows, one after another. These parents would even install another set just so that they can watch their favourite shows without competing with the kids.

Shielding them from “hard work”

There are also parents who love their kids so much that they shield them from doing any “hard work” around the house. When their kids make a mess, the parents would obligingly tidy it up. When their rooms are turned upside down, the parents would not say anything. If they have a maid, she would be the one to do everything including personal chores such as washing the school shoes or making up the bed. All other household work is usually taken care of by the mum.

Giving them a bit of work is in fact good for the children’s character developments. The household work can be a good form of training for personal responsibilities. It will also train them to think, take actions and work together to accomplish a goal. Even if you have a maid at home, ask the kids to still do their personal chores such as washing the shoes, cleaning their own plates after meals and making up their own beds. Leave only the heavy duty stuff to the helper.

Overprotective Parenting Styles

There is a fine line between being “responsible” and “overprotective.” While making sure their playground is safe is considered responsible parenting, following their every footstep would have crossed the line. Similarly, checking out the neighbourhood for safety concerns is responsible parenting but not letting them to go out at all for fear of being bullied or kidnapped is overprotective.

Impacts of putting love at the right places

Just like losing the keys or wallets, misplaced love would bring lots of stress, anxieties and problems later on. However, great rewards are awaiting parents who have smartly put love at the right places by pushing their kids to honour their commitments and deliver their responsibilities. With the right doses of discipline and hard work, they can look forward to seeing their young child blossoms into a resilient, responsible and dependable adult.